Horoscopes
by Team Socket
Summary: Rated for comic violence. One of Trelawney's students makes some _correct_ predictions...


Horoscopes  
a HP omake by Leevee  
  
  
  
In a small, mystic classroom at the top of a freezing tower in the old, rundown castle school for freaks-err, _magical_ people- an idiotic excuse for a Divinations teacher was reviewing her 5th year Slytherins' homework when she came upon a particularly interesting piece of work by a girl named Tracey Davis...  
  
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Aquarius  
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus  
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day  
  
Pentunia Dursley, heading home from grocery shopping, glanced about furtively before ducking into the Nickle-A-Play arcade. Chuckling, she made her way over to her beloved machine and grabbed the mallet...  
  
Pisces  
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus  
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say  
  
Vernon Dursley grinned idiotically as he jumped up on the karaoke stage and began to sing. "Oops!...I did it again I played with your heart, got lost in the game..."  
  
Aries  
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon  
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep  
  
Vincent Crabbe glanced about quickly, and then exchanged his toothbrush for Malfoy's.  
  
Taurus  
You will never find true happiness -- what you gonna do, cry about it?  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep  
  
Percy Weasley grabbed a bagel as he headed to work, where he created new regulations on cauldron bottoms, helped reinforce magical carpet laws, and found no happiness whatsoever.  
  
Gemini  
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence  
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest  
  
Viktor Krum glanced calmly at the spear sticking out of his chest, where his current flavor-of-the-week had thrown it before storming away. "That vill leave a mark," he remarked.  
  
Cancer  
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud  
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test  
  
Katie Bell, slipping off of her broom in the rapid down fall of rain, fell 10 feet into the mud. Due to the extreme conditions, no one noticed this until the end of the week, when Gryffindor finally beat Hufflepuff.  
  
Leo  
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no  
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik  
  
Lord Voldemort was watching his favorite soap opera in the Nott's living room while eating his favorite treat, tuna-pudding, a reward for doing so well in the 'Best Little Evil Person in the World' awards. Jumping up, he screamed. "NO, SAAAAVE THERESA, SHE CAN'T BURN!! DAMN YOU, JULIAN!!!"  
  
Virgo  
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you  
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick  
  
Hermione Granger stared in surprise at the madly cackling Ravenclaw boy who had just thrown his quill into her forehead.  
  
Libra  
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week  
  
Arthur Weasley, father of seven and collector of plugs, laughed for the eighth hour in a row from his hospital bed.  
  
Scorpio  
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window  
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak  
  
Draco Malfoy sighed in boredom and leaned against the wall of the History of Magic classroom. At least, he _thought_ it was a wall...  
"AAAAAAAH!!!!" *THUD*  
  
Sagittarius  
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)  
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den  
  
Colin Creevey, cackling like the mad man he is, pulled on his ski mask and turned on his amazing, spectacular, _magical_ chainsaw and went on (yet another) killing spree.  
  
Capricorn  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying  
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again  
  
Leevee Milky-Way locked the front door and sliding glass door before settling down in the recliner for yet another sleepless night reading fanfics and writing reviews on Fiction Alley to get a new avatar...  
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Trelawney sighed and gave the girl an F. Those predictions were certainly too ridiculous to be true...  
  
  
  
A/N: I get bored easily.  
Disclaimer: I own the idea, myself, and nothing else! Oh joy! Oh rapture! 


End file.
